Trenton's blog

You know, I don't want this to come off as me saying the queer community sucks for everyone but I'm really beginning to be glad that I'm not so much a part of the queer community that I can't run away from it for days/weeks/months at a time. I guess that I really just don't get all the drama and eliteness that people in my particular queer community carry around. I always remember this after a breakup but I never think about it when I get involved with someone who has ties to the queer community. I'm going to make it a point to consider it in the event that I'm ever interested in another person who carries around a huge commitment to that community again.

My friends have all but dumped me since my breakup. I feel that I got fucked over royally and I'm okay with other people having other opinions but when someone claims to be my brother but then all but ignores me after the girl I was dating contacts them again I sort of have to wonder. Maybe I've just met the wrong transguy friends in Springfield or maybe I should stick with the straight guys who I never get all this crap from and who I generally have more in common with. I mean, I'm not saying the straight community has no drama and baggage but I think sometimes that they can deal with it a little better. And I'm not even saying all the queers here are scenester fucking idiots who can't make their own life choices but the ones who run around in crowds I've frequented tend to be those kind of people.

The thing is there are really rad queers here too and I'm hoping to reconnect ties with them in the near future. I want people in my life who like me for me, not because I'm a super trendy transguy with good style and pretty ladies on my arm. And honestly I do feel like some of my "friends" have friended me only for that last reason and it's just so stupid that I don't even know how to deal with it. I mean, nobody is perfect but goddamn, have an opinion of your own once in a while. I guess that everyone thinks I'm a dickhead right now because I spend more time talking to a girl in Florida than I do going out and doing stupid shit with them but I have to prioritize my time towards people who bring good thoughts and feelings into my life, right? The racism and homophobia that's going around in the trans community here makes me want to beat down people but I'm not that guy. I just don't get it.

I mean, if you don't like me, just fucking grow some balls and tell me that. All this he said/she said crap gets really old with never knowing who is even considering my interests in a particular situation. I guess this is part of why I left livejournal, I'm tired of it. Anyone who is my friend is going to talk to me away from all the drama and shit and those who aren't, who cares? I don't anymore. My life is changing in so many ways and I'm willing to make sacrifices to keep good vibrations flowing. I don't know where I'll be in a month, or in three months, and I sure as fuck don't know where I'll be in a year but it's better to have people around who will call me regardless of where I am/who I'm with than to have little boys with agendas pulling my life out for everyone to see.

I just needed to rant. I'm so sick of all of this and I'm letting it lay where it falls. I'm a big boy and I can take care of myself so if you're going to judge, step back and judge me from a distance. I need friends in my life who are friends. So I'm doing the apologizing I need to the people who deserve it and I'm keeping the people around who appreciate me and everyone else can do what they need to do. It's what has to happen.

Here is a clip from Camp Trans stating victory when a transwoman was allowed to buy a ticket and enter the Michigan Womyns Music Festival.

And here is the response from the organizers of MWMF as sent to a trans journalist interested in finding out if the policy has really been ended.

MICHIGAN WOMYN’S MUSIC FESTIVAL SETS THE RECORD “STRAIGHT”

Hart, Michigan – Seeking to correct misinformation widely distributed by “Camp Trans” organizers, Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival founder and producer Lisa Vogel released the following clarification:

“Since 1976, the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival has been created by and for womyn-born womyn, that is, womyn who were born as and have lived their entire life experience as womyn. Despite claims to the contrary by Camp Trans organizers, the Festival remains a rare and precious space intended for womyn-born womyn.”

The facts surrounding the interactions between WWTMC and Camp Trans organizers are as follows:

In the months preceding this year’s Festival, held August 8 – 13, there was communication between a Camp Trans organizer named Lorraine and Lisa Vogel. Letters from Lorraine continued during the Festival, when they were hand-delivered to the Festival’s front gate from Camp Trans, which takes place on Forest Service Land across from Festival property. On Tuesday, August 8th, Camp Trans organizers inquired at the Box Office about Festival admission. They were told that the Festival is intended for womyn-born womyn, and that those who seek to purchase tickets are asked to respect that intention. Camp Trans organizers left without purchasing tickets. They returned the next day and were given the same information.

On Wednesday, August 9th, Vogel sent a reply letter to Lorraine which stated in part:

“I deeply desire healing in our communities, and I can see and feel that you want that too. I would love for you and the other organizers of Camp Trans to find the place in your hearts and politics to support and honor space for womyn who have had the experience of being born and living their life as womyn. I ask that you respect that womon born womon is a valid and honorable gender identity. I also ask that you respect that womyn born womyn deeply need our space -- as do all communities who create space to gather, whether that be womyn of color, trans womyn or trans men . . . I wish you well, I want healing, and I believe this is possible between our communities, but not at the expense of deeply needed space for womyn born womyn.”

Lorraine at that point chose to purchase a ticket. Vogel’s written request that Camp Trans organizers respect the Festival as womyn-born-woymn space was consistent with information provided to Camp Trans organizers who approached the Festival Box Office. “Does this represent a change in the Festival’s commitment to womyn-born womyn space? No.” says Vogel. “If a transwoman purchased a ticket, it represents nothing more than that womon choosing to disrespect the stated intention of this Festival.”

“As feminists, we call upon the transwomen’s community to help us maintain womyn only space, including spaces created by and for womyn-born womyn. As sisters in struggle, we call upon the transwomen’s community to meditate upon, recognize and respect the differences in our shared experiences and our group identities even as we stand shoulder to shoulder as women, and as members of the greater queer community. We once again ask the transwomen’s community to recognize that the need for a separate womyn-born womyn space does not stand at odds with recognizing the larger and beautiful diversity of our shared community.”

* * *

In an effort to build further understanding of the Festival’s perspective, answers are provided to questions raised by the recent Camp Trans press release (which contains misinformation):

Why would the Festival sell a ticket to an individual who is not a womon-born womon if the Festival is intended as a space created by and for womyn-born womyn? From its inception the Festival has been home to womyn who could be considered gender outlaws, either because of their sexual orientation (lesbian, bisexual, polyamorous, etc.) or their gender presentation (butch, bearded, androgynous, femme – and everything in between). Many womyn producing and attending the Michigan Festival are gender variant womyn. Many of the younger womyn consider themselves differently gendered, many of the older womyn consider themselves butch womyn, and the dialogue is alive and well on the Land as our generational mix continues to inform our ongoing understanding about gender identity and the range of what it means to be female. Michigan provides one of the safest places on the planet for womyn who live and present themselves to the world in the broadest range of gender expression. As Festival organizers, we refuse to question anyone’s gender. We instead ask that womon-born womon be respected as a valid gender identity, and that the broad queer and gender-diverse communities respect our commitment to one week each year for womyn-born womyn to gather.

Did the Festival previously refuse to sell tickets to transwomen? The Festival has consistently communicated our intention about who the Festival is created by and for. In 1999, Camp Trans protesters caused extensive disruption of the Festival, in which a male from Camp Trans publicly displayed male genitals in a common shower area and widespread disrespect of women’s space was voiced. The following year, our 25th anniversary, we issued a statement that we would not sell tickets to those entering for the purpose of disrupting the Festival. While this is widely pointed to by Camp Trans supporters as a "policy," it was a situational response to the heated circumstances of 1999, intended to reassure the womyn who have attended for years that the Festival remained – as it does today – intended for womyn who were born as and have lived their entire life experience as womyn, despite the disrespect and intentional disruption Camp Trans initiated.

Is the Festival transphobic? We strongly assert there is nothing transphobic with choosing to spend one week with womyn who were born as, and have lived their lives as, womyn. It is a powerful, uncommon experience that womyn enjoy during this one week of living in the company of other womyn-born womyn. There are many opportunities in the world to share space with the entire queer community, and other spaces that welcome all who define themselves as female. Within the rich diversity now represented by the broader queer community, we believe there is room for all affinity groups to enjoy separate, self-determined, supportive space if they choose. Supporting womyn-born womyn space is no more inherently transphobic than supporting womyn of color space is racist. We believe that womyn-born womyn have a right to gather separately from the greater womyn’s community. We refuse to be forced into false dichotomies that equate being pro-womyn-born womyn space with being anti-trans; indeed, many of the womyn essential to the Michigan Festival are leaders and supporters of trans-solidarity work. The Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival respects the transsexual community as integral members of the greater queer community. We call upon the transsexual community in turn to respect and support womyn-born womyn space and to recognize that a need for a separate womyn-born womyn space does not stand at odds with recognizing transwomen as part of the larger diversity of the womyn’s community.

What is Camp Trans? Camp Trans was first created in 1994 as a protest to the Festival as womyn-born womyn space. Camp Trans re-emerged in 1999 and has been held across the road from the Festival every year since. A small gathering of people who camp and hold workshops and a few performances on Forest Service land across the road, Camp Trans attempts to educate womyn who are attending the Festival about their point of view regarding trans inclusion at the Festival. At times they have advocated for the Festival to welcome anyone who, for whatever period of time, defines themselves as female, regardless of the sex they were born into. At other times, Camp Trans activists have advocated opening the Festival to all sexes and genders.

What is the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival? It is the largest and longest running womyn’s festival in the United States. Since the first Festival in 1976, tens of thousands of womyn from all corners of the world have made the pilgrimage to this square mile of land in Northern Michigan. The essence of the Festival is that it is one week a year that is by, for and about the glorious diversity of womyn-born womyn and we continue to stand by our labor of love to create this space. Our focus has not changed in the 31 years of our celebration and it remains fixed on the goal of providing a celebratory space for a shared womyn-born-womyn experience.

So here's my question to all the allies out there who claim to work from the inside in bringing down the transphobic policy involved with MWMF. What are you gonna do now? Keep lying and saying that by paying for and enjoying the festival you're working on the inside and changing peoples mind? Or are you all gonna step up to the plate and join Camp Trans next year? The only way this shit is going to stop is if people boycott this festival until transwomen are free to join in. So what's it gonna be, everyone? Are you an ally or is it just totally radical to have a transperson as a friend while you continue doing things that only make our struggle harder?

I don't know exactly what was changed this month physically that is making things so much more right and realistic. The first half of this month I was still looking in the mirror and wondering when the stubble would make me look like a man. I looked like a butch or possibly an androgynous being with no specific gender expression. I mean, I've been living as a man for a long time but I was fully aware that most people wouldn't realize that I'm one until the hormones kicked in for a while.

I see a man in the mirror now. I just shaved and I still see a man there. It has nothing to do with the stubble which I'm getting used to mowing off every day or two. I just am starting to look male. Granted I probably don't look my age yet but it's coming and it's glorious. I guess that my facial structure must be changing because I know that I'm really self-critical and I wouldn't be noticing this unless it was real. People call me sir/he/him without even thinking about it now. It's what I've waiting for a long time and it's just weird that it's happening in the space of a few weeks. (I've been on testosterone for four months but the facial structure change is really new)

I feel like there's a lot I need to think about regarding how my life is going to change now. I am going to be seen as a man, not a transsexual, soon. I am going to be seen as a white male which will grant me a lot of priviledge that I'm not entirely sure I know how to handle. Even more so than that I would care to bet that I'll be seen as a straight white male because I, generally, do date women and don't really even want to sleep with or date a man right now. I've never navigated this shit, I've thought about it, but never navigated it. How does one go from being the member of various oppressed groups to being a member of the most oppressive group in the world? I can only hope I keep my respect and treat people the same way I always have.

So I'm torn between being really excited that people see me as who I am and being fucking terrified of interacting with other straight males and calling them on their shit. I'm also not entirely sure how to navigate a relationship with a straight woman although I think I can handle that when it comes down to it. I just want to make sure I don't turn into a dick and stop thinking about where I came from and the people who have been a comfort to me up to this point. I just want to be me and not leave anything about me behind that is important.

Push me and I eventually push back,
Spending too much energy on someone
Who doesn't seem to spend energy on me
Or anything else anymore,
Except for leaving it all behind in ruins.

I know that you'll never send my belongings back
And I know that we will never be friendly again.
But what I really want to know is
Where the fuck is my cat
And what the fuck is going on in your brain?

I've spent too much time making this my fault
And not enough time realizing that's it's definitely not.
I made the effort and you pushed it away,
So the next time you need someone to use
You're gonna have to find somebody else.